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  #1  
Unread 02-07-2002, 19:30
clairey_faery clairey_faery is offline
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Default Calling All Americans! Read This!

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. it's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.
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  #2  
Unread 30-11-2006, 16:34
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Default Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up ôvocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
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  #3  
Unread 30-11-2006, 23:19
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What exactly was the point in merging my thread with a similar joke that's over 4 years old?
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  #4  
Unread 01-12-2006, 07:29
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because they are similar ?

what's the point of posting the same thing.

jeeze.

EDIT : I just read this straight of out bed so I might have been a bit more curt than normal
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  #5  
Unread 01-12-2006, 12:11
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OMG.

Don't even get me started.
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  #6  
Unread 01-12-2006, 12:32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pablo View Post
EDIT : I just read this straight of out bed so I might have been a bit more curt than normal
Dammit, and here was me thinking that our dotey Pabs had developed a backbone but no, he's as tolerent and shiney as ever...
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  #7  
Unread 01-12-2006, 13:20
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ciaran ciaran is offline
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I'm surprised Blumenblatt is being so restrained though, I was expecting her to jump out of the post and kill someone after reading this!
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  #8  
Unread 01-12-2006, 15:13
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Too busy trying to make it to schnitzel time without starving to concentrate on a rebuttal to peoples (as usual) weak and unoriginal attempts at bashing Americans.
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  #9  
Unread 01-12-2006, 15:15
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Fair enough!
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  #10  
Unread 01-12-2006, 18:57
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blumenblatt View Post
Too busy trying to make it to schnitzel time without starving to concentrate on a rebuttal to peoples (as usual) weak and unoriginal attempts at bashing Americans.
It's called a joke. You're supposed to laugh, not be offended.

You're very touchy about things like that?
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  #11  
Unread 02-12-2006, 14:34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith View Post
It's called a joke. You're supposed to laugh, not be offended.
God bless teh yanks, they're not known for their sense of humour, amongst other things
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  #12  
Unread 04-12-2006, 10:13
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That's not the issue...as a matter of fact, I have a brilliant sense of humor. It has to do with the fact that you guys never seem to be able to come up with anything original to make fun of Americans about, its like if I were making jokes about the Irish being drunks, not original, and waaaaay over done...
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  #13  
Unread 04-12-2006, 15:34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blumenblatt View Post
its like if I were making jokes about the Irish being drunks
Now now, the Oirish alcoholism gene is a serious matter...many of my family and friends have succumbed to the problem. Sob
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  #14  
Unread 04-12-2006, 15:38
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Up there with the compulsive indignation gene
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  #15  
Unread 04-12-2006, 15:52
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And that one that suppresses the ability to have a laugh at your own expense...
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  #16  
Unread 04-12-2006, 16:00
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Topic now being ignored since I am sure ye will go on in circles about what you deem a poor sense of humor.

Besides Ciaran...being indignant half of my charm.

Last edited by Blumenblatt; 04-12-2006 at 16:04.. Reason: Because I can.;)
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  #17  
Unread 04-12-2006, 16:16
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I have always wondered about the logic behind pointing out to someone that you're ignoring them...but anyway...
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  #18  
Unread 04-12-2006, 16:19
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Well on a message board it's hard to know if someone is ignoring you or just not online / busy / forgot to reply. So now you know you're being ignored!

And I was actually referring to Irish people's amazing ability to get offended or upset by things that they really shouldn't care about [the Liveline effect]
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  #19  
Unread 04-12-2006, 16:49
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i always think it is good that people can laugh and themselves and pretty fecken sorry if they cant. i must go be offended at a paddy irish man joke i told earlier
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  #20  
Unread 04-12-2006, 16:51
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if anyone wants to automatically have someones posts removed from their view, they can have a quick peak here http://www.feckthat.com/rant/profile.php?do=editlist
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