ode to christmas day food

[DHBH]

A Christmas bugger off........
......... to all ye food diet experts, nutritionist and wanna be make everyone slim brigade.

for 364 days of the year, I work my ass of. I hear you morons telling me what to eat, how much of it I should eat and how many times I should chew before I swallow. What I should replace what with and how leaving salt out is much better for you.

So on the 25th December, this is what I say as Grace at my Table.

Dear Lord, For what I am about to eat, please pass on the following to all the above mentioned.

I will not replace my Christmas fry with a bowl of all bran because i will be eating a big lunch

I will not replace my pint of egg nog with Chinese herbal tea, because that will allow my insides move outside with greater ease

I will not replace picking at the lunch while cooking with sips of water because that will ease my hunger

I will not replace sneaky mince pies before lunch with an apple, because of the extra calories

I will not peal of the skin of the turkey and dissgard because thats the bloody best bit

I will not replace the 2lb of butter in my stuffing with a teaspoon of olive oil nor the breadcrumbs with wholemeal brown bread, cause thats not bloody stuffing

I will not leave out the smoky bacon with my sprouts because smoky bacon is not a vegetable

I will not leave out seconds of everything because you think i dont need them

I will not replace the 3 bottles of Chateauneuf Du Pape (White) with a glass of Pinot Grigio and a diet soda because i plan on being nicely sozzeled throughout the whole day

I will not replace the double whipped cream that goes on my mince pies with Greek yougurt, because now I should be thinking of my big friend "Heart" at this stage of the meal

I will not leave out my christmas pudding with fresh custard because you think I just ate my dessert

My cheese plate - dont even go there

I will not go for a bloody 5 mile walk after lunch

I will sit on the couch with top 2 buttons of my trouser undone and wait to get hungry again with a nice bottle of red that has my name on it and watch ET or some movie that I have seen 20 times before.

I will open the second tin of Roses, cause I finished the first last night

As i make my way to the toilet I will detour via kitchen and carve a quick slice of honey baked ham and detour via the kitchen on the way back cause it was so nice and salty

At about 8pm I will open the jar of Branston pickle and generously coat everything I eat with it. I might however not eat a mince pie because they are not an aftereight treat. However a box of aftereights are!

When it's time for bed, I'll tell my wife i had a great day, yet not to contemplate loving, as i am a little bit stuffed. Detour via the kitchen and make a sandwich of one slice turkey, one slice ham and a wedge of Gorganzola, no bread though cause thats fattening.

And when i wake during the night, cause maybe the Chinese tea would have been useful, I will detour for one last time for a handful of cold pudding and now lumpy custard. Why? because its Christmas.

Thank you lord, now let the feast begin

Happy Christmas fellow Feckers.

(thank you to punto for this)